


Anatomy For People With No Anatomy

by cypherd



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Death, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, War, graphic descriptions of medical things, they're all army medical personal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2020-09-22 23:49:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 10,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20330548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cypherd/pseuds/cypherd
Summary: I always just thought that Undyne's reasons for teaching Papyrus about cooking was that he'd be a battle medic, given what food does in Undertale and I've been into Spicy Honey lately. And I've been sick lately so here's some ironic drabbles.





	1. First Do No Harm

**Author's Note:**

> Edge needs a partner to remind him of the most important thing in medicine. Lighter and Softer during a war isn't always a bad thing.

“”I don’t know bro, what do you expect me to do?” Red shifted his sucker to the opposite side of his mouth. Edge got a whiff of artificial lemon, a clear sign his brother had been working with cyanide that day. 

The human - a small formless thing in preteen years looked between the two skeletons. 

“I could fix this super easy.”

“No.” Thankfully the child remained oblivious.

“I was kidding.” Red reached out a hand and Edge winced when the child leaned into it. Angel help the poor stupid thing.

“Hey kids this way!”

The cheerful tone of Edge’s new medical partner to be rang through the makeshift ER. Stretch had been sent to the base where his brother apparently worked. The base was somewhat out of the way and a good spot for a medical bay. The child had been found left in an abandoned home - clearly in desperate need of medical attention. A small cat child and an ice cap trailed behind him. Edge thought the new doctor incompetent but he could admit the other skeleton had a way with the patients that he did not.

“And this is..”

“Camille.” 

“Camille” ‘Stretch’ repeated. “Camille, we’re all going to the cafeteria to get lunch. If Doctor Edge says it’s okay you can come too.”

“The human…”

“Camille.” said one of Stretch’s followers.

“Camille.” Edge repeated obediently.”Camille can go with you for now, but she needs to come back for a tetanus injection by eighteen hundred.”

“I hear humans have to get needles.” the cat monster girl whispered to the human.

“Oh yes.”

“Is that scary?”

“A little bit...but it’s over fast.”

“My name’s Catty. That’s Icine. Doctor Stretch said we could get chocolate pie at the cafeteria and he’d teach us how to play poker.”

Camille’s face lit up and the girls ran off to abuse the alcohol hand wipe pump for reasons unbeknownst to the adults present.

“You do realize that human is going to die soon.” Edge said

“Yeah and it’s a kid.” Stretch shrugged. “Look how much fun she’s having.”

“A human…”

“First do no harm.”

That shut Edge up right quick Red made a small mutter that ‘I never took that oath’ but even he had the sense to look abashed. 

"You're right. The human child stays." 

"Exactly."

The human and her two new monster friends were giggling happily and watching them, one could almost forget there was a war going on.


	2. An Apple A Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just because Stretch isn't as refined as Edge doesn't make him useless.

It depended on how you looked at it. Medics in battle were on one end of the ‘kill’ scale or another. Either the oath made you invaluable or the enemy decided you shouldn’t be alive to heal your own side. 

Edge was not so stupid as to believe most humans capable of the former.

His partner on the other hand... It was like he had a big ‘kill me’ sign on him. How anyone could be that damn….trusting and have less HP than his brother. 

Things in the medical ward had been shot to hell since Stretch got there. Edge was a doctor and he would work on humans if they came in, but this...who was that human children's’ show host? Mister Rodgers? Well his...HIS ward was not an episode of Mister Rodgers or anything else that happened when two adults made smaller people.

Red of all monsters had gained a shadow. Some terminally ill orphan brat that they’d discovered early on. She had taken to following him around like a puppy. The meaner Red was, the more he got followed. If it wasn’t contributing to the chaos, Edge might have found it funny.

Then there was Stretch’s newest human From what Edge could tell from initial inspection, the human had been on the front lines and seen something that had utterly destroyed his mind and his hearing, probably a bomb. This was no veteran soldier, this was a scared man, easily still too young. No different than the monsters who came in, HP down in the decimals.

“Good Morning Doyle.”

The human just stared.

“He’s never going to talk. Surely you can tell that, having apparently passed medical training, which some days I am forced to believe you forged.” 

“I’ve been reading up on cases of human shell shock.” Stretch informed him. “And Doyle can talk perfectly fine.” Stretch made a gesture. Edge spoke some but he’d never been fluent himself. Red had that honour, though he couldn’t remember the last time that his brother had used it. 

The young man in the bed moved like a switch had been flipped.

“He speaks Hands?” Edge was genuinely shocked.

“He does now. Call it beginners hands.I’ve been teaching him.” Stretch nodded. “Er that one goes like this Doyle.” He demonstrated expertly the gesture Doyle had made. Edge was almost embarrassed to see no difference. “Unless you were trying to say that you want an apple for breakfast. We might have some.”

Doyle seemed to find this funny. He made some gestures with Stretch watching him intently. It clearly wasn’t all Hands. After a moment Stretch barked a laugh.

“Edge isn’t that bad! Er, Doyle says if I give him an apple, will it make you go away?”

“What?”

“It’s a human expression. An Apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

Edge hummed. “Crab Apples do raise constitution.” 

This only seemed to make Doyle and Stretch laugh harder.

At this point there was a noise at the door. 

“Hey...can we play with Camille?”

“Yes.” This from Red. 

Edge nodded. He was fine with rescuing his brother. “I believe that is fine. I would like Camille to be back in one hour and for Doctor Stretch here to accompany you all.”

“Okay kids, who wants to go play catch with General Undyne?”

“ARE YOU CRAZY?” Edge whirled on Stretch so fast that you could hear the whiplash.

“Relax, no one’s going anywhere near Undyne. I’m kidding.” Stretch shrugged. “I bet that my bro’s off duty and I know Papyrus has KP duty so they’ll all get stuffed with healthy snacks and this one can learn about things you can mix together that aren’t deadly poisons.”

Stretch made to march off with his newly acquired brood. Camille was passing out candies that she had no doubt lifted off of Red at some point. He kept them around so when he was working with decomposing bodies and dust the stench of it and the gag reflex it inspired wouldn’t be so prevalent and if she had any Red MIGHT not be as irritated by her as he said. Good for her.

In the chaos, Doyle had started playing a game of Go Fish with the monster patient in the bed next to his, speaking slowly in hands with a nervous smile on his face. 

Edge had much to say about Stretch, but today, .today the insanity was at a minimum. That was Stretch’s doing. Maybe his new partner was less chaotic in his own chaotic way.


	3. Holding Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not ketchup, kids. Really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some implications of child illness and death...but no one's letting that happen.

Edge wasn’t sure when it happened but the ward had suddenly become a machine. A few patients had moved out, they’d gained a handful more that had become Red’s ….well, Red’s. People who went into Red’s care were not generally moving or already dust. 

Doyle had been wrangled by Stretch into assisting with patients and proved himself a rather capable nurse. The other human patient had made friends of the monster children who lived on the base and today was in high spirits.

“I think whatever your brother’s come up with is working!” Stretch was making a bed. An empty tray sat to the side. 

“Looks like it.” Edge said. “She ate all the dinner it would seem?”

“Asked for seconds.” Stretch pointed out. “Papyrus will flip out. I mean he’s better now, but you know. He'll love to hear it.” 

“Really.” That was good news. It had been a chore to get her to drink water on the first few days and here she was eating full dinners.

And of course that meant everything was about to go horribly wrong. Edge should have seen it coming.

“Doctor?” 

Catty and her band of children followers were holding a familiar human in their midst. A bright red streak was smeared around her mouth and drying to brown on her shirt her already pale skin was now the colour of chalk. “We were just playing like always and then she started coughing and coughed up ketchup..”

“Blood. Not ketchup.” Edge could guess who had said it was ketchup and would be asking Stretch to have words with his brother about telling kids the truth. He lifted the small body and put it immediately on the newly made bed. As a skeleton he wasn’t particularly heavy and small humans were usually light but there was something unsettling about the lack of weight in his arms.

“Can you hear me, Camille?”

There was a small flutter of eyelids and a barely perceptible nod.

“Red, Stretch…” 

Stretch was already hurrying over, but he made way for Red. If anyone was going to solve this…

“Ah fuck.” Red muttered. “I never wanted the stupid kid in my lab.”

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know how that had been meant. Red teleported himself away, reappearing almost instantly with a vial he promptly emptied into a syringe and then into the girl’s limp unresistant arm. 

“Whelp. I’ve done what I can. This doesn’t work...then it don’t work.” 

As they watched, a small hand flew out and found Stretch’s who was sat on the edge of the bed. The skeleton let himself be pulled sideways as the child clutched his hand to her chest like a toy, curling around him

“There she got a babysitter.” Red glanced at Edge. “Take notes as to how the thing works.” Edge spoke enough Red to know that he was confident enough to believe that the kid would make it through the ordeal.

Edge nodded. “Thank you.” 

“Ah. Doctor?”

Edge turned to Stretch. “Can you...stay as well?”

Edge sat on the bed watching Stretch, bent at an odd angle with his hand being cuddled by his charge. What he was not expecting was for Stretch to reach out his free hand in clear intent, eyesockets questioning. 

Edge reached over and put his hand into the other skeleton’s. He watched as first the child in his care slipped into quiet rest, then Stretch moments later. He could see the whole ER from here, including when the lights winked out in his brother’s lab. 

Stretch’s fingers curled tighter and Edge found himself squeezing back.


	4. The Inevitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I remember being in hospital as a child we always hung out and talked. Mostly not about getting our doctors together.

They knew that the day was coming. 

It was an eventuality. Just waiting to happen. And it was just a matter of coming to terms with it.

“Like NO WAY!” Bratty flopped on the bed. “That is totally COOL.”

“I’m here ALL day. They’re totally totally into eachother. It’s so cute!” 

Bratty, Catty and the other army brats were sitting on Camille’s bed, with a game of checkers that had been long abandoned and given that checkers was a game for two people was a horrible cover story for the secret kids’ meeting going on.

“Doctor Edge is so hot. Totally.” 

There was some general murmuring of agreement and blushing going through the group. “But he thinks Doctor Stretch is messy and I once heard Doctor Stretch tell Doctor Red that um...He has a fucking stick up his arse.” Camille whispered giddily with all the excitement of getting to use an excellent swear for grownups. 

(Somewhere in the depths of the lab, one Doctor Red was extremely proud of himself.)

“Okay but like, how do we help them.” 

“Oh MY Gosh. Doctor Alphys gave me books.” 

Doctor Alphys was the head physician at all the camps. She was incredibly good at her job, if she had a terrible bedside manner. But she had ensured that Stretch, Edge and Red had better equipment for taking care of their charges and had been quite good with their youngest patient.

“This one? It’s called Yasunori and Mikoto and it’s a Japanese comic about two teenagers in love, but they don’t get along at first either. And this one’s about a girl who wants to be a Prince..l had some others but Doctor Stretch wasn’t really happy about some of them and took them away. I’m going to find them though they were kind of exciting. I got to read some of them….one said fuck. But ….in the less bad way.” 

More ooooh-ing from the kids.

“Okay so how do we do this?”

“Um, I think there should be rose petals….” 

The door to the lab opened and mouths snapped shut as Red wandered through. He actually had no real purpose, but the less he had to hear about his brother and rose petals and how hot little kids thought his brother was the better.

On the other hand he wanted to see what they’d do about it. After all, the sooner Edge realized he liked his coworker the better off they’d all be.

“Hey yeh wee things.” he gave them a little wave. “Hows about you tell Stretch you need your dressings changed early. He likes when that shhhhustuff gets done fast. Just sayin’.” 

The children barely waited for him to leave before they fell about laughing and excited like they’d just come up with the best plan in the world. 

Kids were so dumb. 

Fortunately so was Red’s brother. And Stretch.

No, he didn’t have blue candy in the bowl almost exclusively. He just liked blue raspberry was all, And he’d developed a taste for sugarless. Absolutely just that.


	5. Space Heater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because we all need to sleep.

The human patients were asleep. The Monster patients were asleep. Red’s office was silent….

Edge cursed at the unintended pun he couldn't help but finish. ...as the grave.

Stretch had put extra blankets on both their human patients. Humans seemed to have much harsher reactions to the cold than did most monsters. Edge had to admit he was pretty cold himself and he appreciated his assistant’s foresight. If he was feeling the temperature then the humans most definitely were. Neither Doyle nor Camille were mentally capable of getting themselves extra blankets under their own steam.

“Well I think that’s it, eh Doc?” 

“I suppose so. Thank you Doctor Stretch. You were very on top of things today.”

“Hey.”

That ‘hey’ was not an offended ‘hey’.

“My brother. Made you this.” 

The package was wrapped in waiting room stickers, making the whole business hard as hell to open. The smirk on Stretch’s face meant that might have been the point.

The jumper once Edge got all the stickers peeled away was...actually nice. Edge knew Blue knitted Stretch tons of clothes. Edge had initially assumed the horror show was one of amateurism, but as it turned out Stretch had demanded the ugly stuff. This one was more likely what Blue would make left to his own devices. It was a soft cableknit affair with some rather nice patterns. Red but with cream that offered a softness instead of his usual black. Best of all, it was thin enough that while deceptively warm could be worn beneath his scrubs.

“Please thank your brother.”

“You don’t like it.”

“I do.” Edge said, genuinely shocked. “I...I’m going to put it on.”

Stretch’s impression was laced with glee. “Oh wait wait, I’ll get mine.”

“Yours.”

“Blue made us matching!”

“Why?”

Instead of replying, Stretch disappeared into his office and returned with an orange and cream sweater that offset the white of his bones rather nicely, and very much was made in a similar pattern to the one he’d just been given. (not like Edge was looking). 

Edge dutifully pulled off his scrubs top and slipped on the handmade one. It was lovely as it looked.

“It’s wonderful. Thank your brother. I appreciate it.”

“Hey, come here. ”

“Where?”

“I pulled the space heater into the office. It’s like a fireplace in there.”

“Is that why you put extra blankets on the humans?”

“Mayyyybe, plus humans sleep better in the cold.”

“Is that actually true?” 

“Yes.”

“Well. Alright. But bring it back in when you’re done.” 

“No, come on. You’ve been out here all day, you’ve got to be cold.” 

“If we go into the office, no one will watch the patients.”

Stretch raised a brow bone and smirked. 

“Right. For a few minutes, I suppose.”

“I am capable of staying up.”

The office was as promised, a sauna, the space heater that normally made the ER much more temperate filled up the small space with incredible warmth. 

Stretch sat in Edge’s desk chair, forcing him to sit in the soft one that Stretch normally used. If his sigh wasn’t entirely one of exasperation, well, he hid it well. And it was nice in here. 

The last thing he saw before his sockets drifted shut was Stretch scootching his chair towards the open door to make sure that the ER remained peaceful as they’d left it.


	6. Bob and Son of Bob vs. Doctor Windex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was this fridge - I promise it didn't yield a Bob but it was ALWAYS DIRTY. Somehow. Every week we would have this exact same conversation about cleanliness until it sunk in that THE FRIDGE MAY HAVE BEEN HAUNTED.

The ER was immaculate. Always. Without exception. The surgical tools were cleaned nightly. Yes, even the slobbiest among their number had the damn good sense to keep it to their personal quarters and the contender for that title worked with plenty of things that would be dangerous to fool with. 

It kept Edge happy. Yes, everything was flawless.

Everything except…

“What the hell is wrong with this fridge? It’s always minging.”

“It’s not that ba---oh damn. We didn’t confuse this with the human fridge? Did we?” Stretch groaned. “Look I love them but they have so many fluids.” 

The day they realized they needed a latrine was not a memory many of them, even the medical staff cared to revisit.

“No.” Edge said slowly. “That’s actually clean. And in the back. This looks like Papyrus’ early attempts at Spaghetti.”

Stretch leaned in closer. “This is how we die, Doc. This is how we die. Fuck the humans. It’ll be this furry blue shit. I swear I cleaned it two days ago.”

“I’m sure. But look, even I know we have been truly busy. Maybe we should just do our due dilligence and kee---” Edge trailed off with a barely suppressed gag.

“Hah!” Stretch crowed. “Can’t finish that can you? Don’t want to admit that Ol’ Bob here - yes, I’ve named it - might have happened because Doctor Windex was too busy to clean.” 

“Just go see Red and get whatever he uses for toxic chemicals?”

“Sure thing Doctor Windex.”

Oh great, well that wouldn’t be going away any time soon.

Red had found something and Edge had put on three pairs of gloves. It had got too hard to move his fingers after that, but he was not sure it would be enough.

“Teleport this somewhere in the woods and bury it in a shallow grave.” Edge commanded.

Stretch did not need to be told twice, but the process came with theatrics.

It also ensured Stretch was nowhere nearby when Edge was using the Windex.

A number of weeks later, a shout came from the ER. Edge looked up from his scut work with a grimace. He had his tools to hand in a moment.

“What happen---”

Stretch pointed at the fridge. “So Bob’s back. Or Son of Bob?”

“How in the hell?”

In the end, they asked Alphys for a new fridge. Bob had been banished it seemed, but the fridge was always oddly dirty.


	7. Doctor Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one is perfect but Edge can't get away with anything.

Morimoto and Shigeru were just having their first forbidden kiss in the men's locker room when Edge realized his mistake.

This was the reason he'd picked up the book he'd confiscated from Alphy's offerings, it was supposed to be trite non-engaging crap to kill some hours. The book was slammed on the table immediately as Edge raced to rectify his mistake. 

This was completely on him, he knew. Stretch was taking a well deserved break after a 48 hour shift and...oh. Well he was fucked. 

The fresh bandages on Sal, the lizard monster patient and the fresh IV on Camille were like clean monikers of doom. There was only one person who could have completed these tasks and they would not have been happy to pick up Edge’s slack.

The question was not that he was going to pay for his negligence, the question would be the how of it. 

Late or not, he would do his rounds and he did.

“Can I get some ice chips, doc?”

Edge obliged him, checking on the IV bag as he did so. “How was my brother?” Might as well get an idea of what he was in for.

“Alright.” Sal sucked on the ice with a shrug. “Awful chatty with that human kid.” The monster shrugged and shifted slightly in the bed with a yawn. That didn’t tell him anything much he supposed. 

Doyle was asleep and Edge removed the remains of his dinner from the bedside table. At least he’d not left things too long that Red would have had to come back and do that as well.

There were two other monsters who had come in - neither of them were terribly bad cases, and they stuck to themselves, waiting for an all clear.

Camille had been doing well and she was curled up around her pillow, but one eye cracked open when Edge approached. “I could get you.”

Edge blinked. “What?:

“Doctor Red taught me that. If I pretend to be sleeping I could get you.”

This was it. Red had found a way to weaponize small children. 

“Do you even know what would happen if you ‘got me’?” Edge asked, warily. 

He received a shake of the head, and a stretch for his hand for his troubles. “Yeah...didn’t think so.” he did let his hand be taken and cuddled. No amount of scowling and standoffishness had broken that particular quirk. 

“See? I got you.” 

“Yes, I see you have.” 

One thing at least was that humans and monsers with low HP alike tended to be about the same when it came to sleeping and Camille fell asleep as readily as Red or Stretch. 

His thoughts were broken by a loud bark of laughter.”Oh. My fucking god!”

What in the hell?

He extracted his hand and started for his office, wondering what the heck was going on in there.

“Shigeru-Chan. We can’t be here like this!” Red roared, the cheesy dialogue sounding at least ten times more ridiculous coming from his mouth. 

The marrow froze in Edge’s bones as the answering snort of laughter was Stretch’s, clearly awake and arrived for his shift. Well...hopefully this humiliation would prove enough for Red. Time to shut this party down.

“Hey little brother. Just decided to come see what in the world was more interesting than the well being of your patients.” Red grinned up at him, teeth on full display. “Say there lover boy, how about you keep this place running while I have a chat with the yaoi fanboy?”

Stretch wisely hurried out, managing a pointed apologetic look to his credit as he tugged on his lab coat on the way out the door.

“I know there’s no excuse.”

“Damn right there ain’t. But you know what pisses me off the most? It ain’t that you got a little distracted. Actually that’s rather fucking hilarious given how it happened. But it’s that I didn’t fucking raise you to be negligent with a kid. Even a human kid. I didn’t put in hours being a good fucking role model and keeping you fed and safe to just do it again. It’s your turn little brother and you’d better fucking step up.”

Edge sighed. Damn it, his brother was right. Somehow around here like or not they had a family and he was the one in charge now. 

And he would do better.


	8. Conversations about Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red has literally the worst conversation every doctor will ever have. Fortunately he's actually the right person for the job.

“Doctor Red, what will happen after I die.”

Red had been expecting this question and had a million ideas about how to deal with it. He’d expected it for starters from his brother or maybe Stretch. Like sure he knew what to do with a dead human, but this particular one asking directly wasn't...a....thing." his brain derailed unhelpfully. Subsequently all of the answers just sucked now.

“Well kid.” he started. “What would you like to have happen.”

Coward’s way out and he knew it.

“Um…’

He was thinking of telling the kid to just go find her friend and steal his brother’s car for a joy ride or you know, go ask Papyrus to make greasy pizza....whatever would be distracting enough when she spoke up.

“Can you show me my soul? No one will and I want to see the colour.”

Of course none of her friends would. Humans didn’t see souls as a private personal thing. 

“Sure kid.” Red cursed his own autopilot..And he bent down to draw her soul out. The soul was a hard burnt orange. Brave little fucker coulda upholsterered a couch 30 years ago with it..

“Orange is for the brave,’ he said. “So you want to know what happens when you’re a permanent residence in my place huh? Well, I’ll take out any organs that can be spared. And your body we’ll put in the ground like the humans do. Your soul…’

He faltered.

“Your soul I’m gonna put in a jar on my desk.” And Red laughed. Like it was a joke. "Always wanted to say I have the heart of a human in a jar on my desk.'

A human soul should be given to General Asgore, but Red wouldn’t let it happen. Not this one. 

“Do souls feel things?” 

“Fucking honey, Get your coccyx over here I’m done with this noise.” 

Doctor Stretch mercifully raced over to the bed to diffuse the conversation. 

Red’s brother was an amazing doctor and he’d never strictly point it out. Honey wasn’t bad either but it was a promise Red kept. An orange human soul was the talk of Doctor Red’s pathology lab long after the war was done and the monsters sealed underground. 

Red never told anyone but sometimes he would put a sugarless blue raspberry candy into the soul jar and it would be gone in the morning.


	9. The Worst Patient(s) In the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doctors really do make terrible patients for a variety of reasons. When ALL of them are sick at the same time, then shit really goes to hell.

The good news was that apparently human and monster diseases did not seem to cross species. 

The bad news was that in addition to Bratty, Catty, a good handful of the adult staff including Catty's mum; all three doctors had come down with the crud. 

It was fortunately just what one might non-technically call 'crud', comparable to the minor but annoying colds and flu passed around in close quarters; airplanes or ships, conference rooms...or army bases. Therefore, the thing itself was easily manageable by even the likes of Stretch and Red, but the real horror was that all three doctors had it and being doctors were as such, horrible patients. 

Stretch of all monsters had nearly driven Doyle to a breakdown as he contradicted every bit of advice his brother had offered, never mind Edge who he insisted on cuddling, despite critiquing his methodology almost consistently. 

“Well they’re both sick anyway,” Blue huffed miserably in the end. “Angel knows he was this bad growing up, so they might as well be miserable together. ”

Doyle frowned, throwing up his hands and frantically making signs that were a mixed jumble of shaky but determined hands, a variety of rude but universal hand gestures and a few pantomimes that otherwise highly demonstrated what he was hypothetically willing to do to his person or quite possibly what he would like to do to the three babybones with doctorates in the beds. Whichever came first.

Red was of course particularly snarly and scratchy and despite some truly epic puking also somehow managed to evade any attempts to help him take medications, preferring to mix his own cocktail of god knew what. 

Meantime, the kids were taking things remarkably well compared to the adults. In part because kids tended to be more resilient but also because Camille was particularly enjoying being the non-bedridden (relatively speaking) one of her friends for a change. Stretch and Edge still hauled themselves out of bed for anything truly important, but their human friend had taken over the role of bedtime story teller and extra blanket scout. 

At least the kids were on the mend, if the increase of giggling and whispering was anything to go by.

“If you’re not gonna listen to the story, can you guys just crash?” Stretch mumbled from where he was propped against a chair and one of the beds, struggling against a strong desire to sleep. “Please?” He was trying to keep the begging out of his voice, but in part because Red had finally passed out across a bed and the less that bomb got disturbed the better. 

“I don’t mind.” There was an uncharacteristic note of grouchiness in Camille’s response, perhaps because it was her friends who had been giggling through her story reading.

Bratty wiggled herself up on her pillows and whispered into her ear. 

“Okay. I’ll finish the story. Can I?”

“Why not?” Stretch waved an exhausted ‘go ahead’ gesture at them. He happened to know the book in question; it had only a few pages left at best. Plus those annoying chills were creeping up again and even if Edge had to take shift after him, the heat he would left behind would be much better than kicking blankets off and waking up to pull them back on three or four times a night.

Besides, he heard what Bratty had said to her friend. He knew he’d pay dearly for it but…

Sans - ATK 3, DEF 6

...which made sense. All their stats were lowered by the illness, if he’d been really looking with equipment, he could see decimal places, but this was a bog standard check. What really was indeed hilarious was the rest of it.

*Is not really asleep and is trying to listen to the story.


	10. Unconventional Eating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on a conversation I had with a CF patient about coke and Mcdonald's french fries being the thing she needed one day to get over a terrible day and the fact that I really agree.

“Oh hell.” Red had a firm grip on Camille’s ponytail as she hung her head over the toilet. 

“I...I’m sorry Doct--” the whole thing was muffled by vomiting.

“Papyrus hasn’t poisoned anyone in months. He was overdue. Here I’ve got some shit in my lab.”

It took about 90 seconds for that to go down the toilet, literally.

“I hate everything now.”

Plain pasta, sugar free candy, Red’s stash of pudding cups. Water. Nothing was working.

“Okay kiddo we have one move left.”

“I just want to sleep.”

“I know ya do.”

Grillby’s base pub wasn’t well stocked. The monster in charge grumbled profusely about not getting to cook half the things he wanted to and hated he was mostly in charge of popping the bottle tops off of beers or pouring bowls of mixed nuts or opening small packets of crisps.

“Heya Grillbz. I want about 3 pints of beer, also one glass of whatever that disgusting brown soda is and a plate of chips in oil. With some...no just the chips.”

Camille returned from the washroom, looking at the food apprehensively. Red couldn’t blame her; even when Edge knew it was for survival purposes - like 'eat this shit or die' - he'd never liked it. Who knew if the kid was the same way but it was worth a try. If it wasn't to be, then that was what the alcohol was for. He wasn't going to deal with that sober. Ever.

She picked up the glass of fizzy soda and drank half of it in a go, then started in on the chips. After finishing the plate she fell against Red, sleeping quietly and breathing evenly. 

“There we are.” Red grinned. “Now I’ll take a whiskey soda.”

He shrugged off his jacket and put it over the sleeping child at his side. “See, don’t know what my brother’s always on about huh? This works. It always works.” He wasn't sure whether that last was about the alcohol, the sleeping child, the successful attempt to get food and liquid into said child or all three. But it worked.


	11. One Night Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very SpicyHoneyish chapter. And if I didn't make you really want to go to a fancy restaurant I didn't do my job properly. But the first official date

Nothing about this scenario was weird. Except, it was weird.

“He says he’s sick of the bed.” Stretch provided for Doyle. “And thanks man.” 

“My brother…”

“Is whipped by a child.” Stretch shrugged. “Come on, even I think you should take a night off.”

Yes, Camille certainly had her beloved Red wound around her finger but even Red wouldn’t voluntarily take a shift willingly. 

“Everything is fine Edgelord. Come on. If anything happens your brother will teleport in.”

That was true - human doctors had mobile phones and paging devices but the fact that Stretch and Red could teleport was a trick that had saved more than a few lives. 

“I was thinking we’d go to Grillby’s.”

“You do know me?” Edge asked deadpan. 

“No no, I mean the guy’s always complaining about how he never gets to make real drinks or food, figured he could put his money where is mouth is.”

Edge thought about it for a moment. “So you know and how good is he really?”

“Damn. Well yeah, he’s good. You’ll like it.”

Papyrus was the defacto chef on the base. His meals tended towards fare that was good for large groups. A variety of pasta dishes, soups and stews, eggs and porridge, pudding or gelatin desserts in cups (which Red tended to hoard) and whatever the ration trucks sent in the way of drinks, coffee, tea and a variety of some flavours of artificial juice.

Grillby’s little pub was just that; he had some liquor though it was never top shelf. He occasionally made fried fish, burgers, battered sausage and chips.

Edge hated the food but could admit the other monster had gone out of his way to make the ambiance rather pleasant. 

It was moreso tonight. 

“Is that a Chianti bottle?”

“Uh huh. I mean...I couldn’t get that, actually but it makes for a nice candle holder.”

Too late Stretch realized his mistake.

“I mean…”

“So you did this.” Edge gestured around. “For me?”

“Well, yes. I mean when was the last time you had a night off? I mean apart from a shift.”

Edge froze.

“See, even your brother agreed with me Now come on. This is going to be fantastic. I know it because nothing on this menu is anything I’d eat on my own and had to research half of it.”

“Good evening.” 

Grillby was actually crackling slightly blue as he set down menus and a cocktail glass. “Strawberry, oolong gin and rose.” 

Edge had to admit that in itself was impressive.

“So why did you want to come out with me anyway? I would have thought you’d...want to spend your time off as far away from me as possible, given that I apparently have a stick up my arse the size of…now please, correct me if I’m wrong - but which human city?”

“Paris, but hey. You’re a good doctor. Besides, I thought maybe I could make you read this.” 

Stretch pulled a sheaf of papers out of his inventory. 

“What’s this?”

“It’s a case study I intend to have published. We do after all have two human subjects here.”

Edge actually felt his opinion of his colleague go up a few points. “I’ll read it. Yes.” 

The dinner was as excellent as Stretch had promised, with white bean pate, pickled mushrooms and borscht, spaetzle which Edge appreciated, with wild turkey; apparently there were plenty in the surrounding area and a dessert that was something picked up from the humans, cake and custard with, amusingly enough jello dessert. He had to give the monster credit; from hunting the bird to clearly coming up with some incredible ways to use the staples brought to the base, this had been a fabulous dinner.

“You know, I had fun tonight.” Edge admitted. “If you’d like to do this again, I wouldn’t mind.”  
“It’s a date.” Stretch grinned “You want to get back to the hospital and see if everything’s okay. Alright. I hear you.”

It was even a pleasant walk on the way back. The weather had been a bit grey but the temperature remained pleasant.

Indeed the ER was in pristine condition. The metal tools were marinating in iodine solution for the night and bedsheets were clean and changed. There were two sleeping humans in their beds, a monster in another one and a pair of red eyelights glinting at them from a bed in the middle of the room. 

“Goodnight, brother.”

“Yeah.see you in the morning.”

That was as good as a ‘everything was fine’.

Edge yawned and stifled it. “I will be up for six.”

The door to his brother’s office winked out and Red looked over at the kid.

“Did it work?”

“Yep. Now go the fuck to sleep.”


	12. Home Sick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was home sick this week and my landlord took care of me. I was about this level of pathetic

"Hey buddy. How are you feeling?" Stretch leaned over the bed. 

"Not good. I want Doctor Red."

"Well shit. Really not good."

Stretch rapped on the half open door with not a lot of confidence. "Um...kiddo wants you."

Red sighed but put down his vial and came to the door. 

"Well hey kid, how are you?"

There was a small noise as the only answer.

"Shit."

"It's that bad?"

"No I speak kid. C'mon We're going to get you some peanut butter and yogurt and you're going to be good."

"How'd you know that?"

"Because I'm a doctor. And you should get my br..." Red traied off. "Hey, maybe don't get Papyrus. I can do this."


	13. Sick Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't write about Red all that much but this week I had to

When Papyrus was a kid he was a bit sick. Nothing Red couldn't handle but...

"Paps always felt like shit. Like you do kid."

"His stomach feels like licking a pipe?"

"That is actually." Red paused. "What he used to say, buddy."

The child looked up at him.

"And I'd say 'suck it up, pal'"

"Oh. Did it help?"

Red paused. No, Papyrus had alywas just cried.

"No. Y'all know what? Just feel bad. Maybe roll over a little."

The kid did and Red stayed awake. He always did. For Papyrus and now for her.


	14. Visiting Hours - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a visitor coming...and things are gearing up for an interesting time.

Papyrus was usually an upbeat monster. He loved cooking for the base, he enjoyed several chores that no one else wanted to do and did his best to help wherever he could offer it.

However no one really could miss the way he would look longingly at Red or even Blue when they came in. 

No one really knew what Sans did. On the face of it, it made no sense that a monster with one HP would go into the heart of battle...if that was even what or where he was. It was something though. Something important. There were rumors he worked with Asgore directly.

Edge had long suspected his brother knew something more than the rest of them, but he also knew his brother well enough to suspect when he didn't know everything he would like to. So Sans' mysterious job remained just that.

So, when Papyrus was in an even more excited than usual mode in the morning, everyone simply suspected that he was excited about making a cake for Catty's birthday party.

Mrs. Catty had been debriefed with a laundry list of emergency procedures so that Camille could attend the sleepover party, which she was delighted about and had spent much of the morning dousing the ER in glitter to make a card, which...would linger for ages.

"AND I WILL SEE SANS TONIGHT! I HAVE DECIDED THAT I WILL ATTEND GRILLBYS WITH HIM FOR BROTHERLY BONDING!"

Gee, how convenient that the kids were away. That probably wasn't timed at all. Probably. 

One thing Edge could never understand was what Sans had against children. Monsters, humans, if they were young he behaved as if they were serial killers and didn't even try to hide it. Stretch was always gentle with them, he himself wasn't sure how to take them - Red had always spoken to him and treated him like an adult because they had to, but he certainly knew how to take care of one and well, Red himself grumbled but he wasn't fooling a soul at how much he enjoyed being a parental figure without the harsh conditions of Underfell. 

So the kids were far away tonight and that was for the best. 

"Ah. Well, that's nice. We have the place to ourselves a little tomorrow. It'll be nice to see Sans again." 

"I CANNOT WAIT! OH COME WITH US!"

Edge nodded. "I think we can handle that. Oh. Little tip. Order off-menu."

Papyrus' eyelights lit up. 

"Well, I think I'll get started on that cake. I hear Catty wanted strawberries."

"Sounds good." Edge nodded firmly, mind whirling.

Papyrus bustled off to the back and Edge returned to the ward with his coffee and an extra potato scone. Papyrus really must be in a good mood.

"So. We're invited to a party." 

"The kids?"

"Nope. Sans. I mean Papyrus' brother Sans." 

Stretch's browbones shot up. "Really? Never met the guy."

Edge frowned. "He's well, he's interesting. We're going to Grillby's but we have got a couple of rules here. First off, We don't talk about the humans and we especially don't talk about the kids."

"Got it. We get drunk and do karaoke."

"Oh angel, we're really going to do that aren't we." 

"Whatever's distracting." 

"Yeah. I promise all you'll have to do is sit there and pass silent judgement on people while consuming alcohol. Plus I think you're actually one of Grillby's new favourite customers."

"Okay." Edge frowned. Why did he think this wasn't going to go well at all.


	15. Visiting Hours - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ah this does not go well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Papyrus sings 'Zombie' by the Cranberries and Sans sings the SAM song. I'm really showing my Irish here. I also once had jalapeno beer in Texas and it was incredibly good

“What are we doing in here?”

Doyle frowned and put a finger to his lips then signed agitatedly.

“Well, I’m a monster. Why’m I stuck in here?”

The human giggled silently, gave Sal a grin and gave him hands for <So I won’t get bored;>

Sal smirked. “Fair son. C’mon, I can’t hear anything outside. Pass the chess board?”

His human companion did so.

“And some of whatever that is.”

Doyle passed his monster ‘cellmate’ the glass noodles and vegetables plus a paper plate. Regardless of what one might have thought about eating in a morgue, it wasn’t bad. Just kind of like being at someone’s home who smoked or owned animals or cooked with unusual spices contrary to what one was used to but if they also cleaned. Not unpleasant but just...off from ‘home’. Plus it was cold. Which directly contributed to the ‘not smelling unpleasant’ part of the story.

<Who are we hiding from?> Doyle signed, face crumpled in confusion.

“Oh hm. That one I do know. Guy’s name’s Sans. He’s Papyrus’ brother. He um...really don’t like humans from what I hear. I mean I guess we’re not s’posed to but who gives a shit when we’re in here? Anyway I sorta heard he’s a bit of a nasty piece of work I guess. Never met the guy. So can’t pass much judgement now can I, but if he wants you in here and well...not for nothing but I’m pretty sure it’s not a coincidence that Doc Stretch and Doc Edge sent the kid away. Um...y’wanna be black or white?”

Doyle paused a moment and shrugged. <Black. I hate going first>

***

Whatever Sans’ reputation had been or whatever rumors there were, he certainly was not living up to any of it. Stretch and Edge arrived at Grillby’s to find Papyrus (gingerly perched on a paper seat cover which apparently no one had the heart to tell him did not fit his coccyx) chatting animatedly to a short Skeleton who was a bit slimmer than Red. 

Sans clearly was engaged in what his brother was saying but Edge knew Red (and knew Red wasn’t fooled) enough to know the casual surprise on his face when he looked up was a facade.

“Doctors! Oh Sans I invited some of my friends! Uh, this is Doctor Stretch and Doctor Edge and Doctor Red!”

“Hey.” Sans grinned easily, sliding down to make room. “Yeah my bro mentioned you guys in his letters. You all are doctors hm.”

“Yep.” Red gave him a grin. “Doctors. What’re you all drinking? I got next round.”

Edge gave his brother a nod. To anyone else it was a polite gesture but to Edge it was a sure sign that someone had his back.

“I am taking Edgy-Me’s advice and have a IPA with jalapenos.” 

“Whatever Grillbz is serving cheapest.” Sans looked into his glass nonchalantly. “S’fine with me.”

“I will have the jalapeno beer.” Edge agreed. 

“Lemon soda with rye and honey” That was Stretch.

“Oh wait. We haven’t ordered anything. I’m starving.”

The ensuing battle was long and arduous but eventually all were settled into seats with drinks and a nice plate of nachos with a cranberry salsa, chips with plenty of condiments per discerning tastes and a general lazy air had settled over the table.

Papyrus was doing most of the talking for everyone, making Stretch, Edge and Red’s job a little easier. 

“And on Tuesdays I make mince and tatties with coleslaw.” Papyrus sighed. “Oh I wish I could have made dinner for you tonight Sans but I was busy with making a cake for the--”

He was mercifully drowned out and snapped to attention by Grillby’s crackling flames.

“As promised we are to do some karaoke. Would anyone like to start?”

Knight Knight clanked up and warbled her way through one of Mettaton’s love ballads. No one would ever have called her good but the Madjick in the back certainly thought so as everyone had to turn away.

“We should!” Papyrus exclaimed. “Comeon, please Sans?”

Edge could sing a bit but had no intention of doing so. Stretch couldn’t carry a tune in a basket. Red...might be convinced after well...whatever number of drinks he’d had was doubled...but Papyrus was actually quite a talented singer - it was hard to miss that he usually did while cooking. Who knew what Sans was.

“Tell ya what, bro. You go first.”

Papyrus nodded and practically bounced up to the stage.

“Another head hangs lowly, time is slowly taken…”

“Shit.” Red nodded.

“That’s my bro.” Sans grinned. “I don’t think I can outdo him.”

“Try.” Red slurred dully.

Sans chuckled lowly and heaved himself out of his seat as Papyrus sat down to massive applause. The shorter skeleton wandered over to Grillby who shrugged a little and loaded up whatever song he might have given.

“Well I started out with magic bombs and throwing bricks and stones. There were a hundred more lads like me and I was never alone. Soon I learned that bricks and stones won't drive the Humans away…”

The other monsters in the bar were clapping along but Stretch, Edge and Red were looking at Mrs. Catty who had rushed in.

“Doctors, you told me to come and get you and miss Camille is having a fit. Nothing you told me is working.”

Sans was getting the dogs to howl in on the chorus. 

“Fuck.” said Red, summing up everyone’s thoughts.


	16. Visiting Hours - Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it's not over yet. Also Red is the cuddliest thing on the planet

“I’ll go.”

Edge laughed without humour. “I’m going to go. You’ve had six drinks brother, Stretch you’ve had two. Neither of you are fit to work. Nor am I if we’re being honest but my last drink was 3 hours ago.”

“You don’t know how to handle…”

“Yes brother I do. The only thing I need from you is a shortcut.”

Stretch gave him a look.

“Think about it.”

“So my job is…”

“Keep that-” Edge pointed to Sans. “-Away from this.”

Red shortcutted his brother and Mrs. Catty away.

“Oh gosh it’s just a small seizure.” 

“SMALL?” Mrs Catty exclaimed.

“Yes, small. I know it looks frightening but she will be fine. Red’s going to get some needles, we will need to take a blood sample to be sure but I do think she should be able to stay the night.”

Red popped back in, tying a tourniquet around Camille’s upper arm. “Okay Boss, you’ll be doing this.”

Edge nodded and took the needle away.drawing the blood. Icine and Catty looked away but Bratty watched with rapt attention.

““And done.” Edge turned to Mrs. Catty. “You did the right thing. I’m sorry you were scared but she’s quite fine I think. I don’t thin--”

Red teleported in. “S’fine. All good.”

Edge looked at the paper report which Red had at least the good judgement to give.”Yes, this is all fine. Thank you, you did exactly right. Can you tell me if she’s eaten and what?”

“Um...vegetarian lasagna and cake...I know you said it was alright for her to have sugar tonight but I thought maybe that was the problem?”

“No. Like I said it was a minor seizure and nothing you did or did not do, Let her stay with the kids, It’s a minor setback.”

***

Red was pretty fucking drunk. He’d all but fell on the kid when she wanted a hug.

“Ugh...can I just stay here?”

"Okay."

He pulled his feet onto the bed. Yeah, just a moment. Yeah, kid hugging him, boss was still talkin’ to the mother. Sure. sure it’d be easy to close his eyes a moment.

“Brother.” 

“No…”

“You are spectacularly drunk brother but we have to get back to Grillby’s.”

A warm hand was removed from his spine and the world spun a bit. Boss was right, Red was drunk as it got.

“Can you teleport us?”

“Mmmmm...prolly.” It was quite merciful that Red did.

At first glance Stretch was still watching Sans up on stage. Maybe they’d got away with it.

“So.” Sans sauntered back to his seat. “I see you all are keen with the human population.”


	17. Holiday Mishmash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There needed to be a holiday chapter

The small child and the skeleton looked at one another apprehensively. Edge and Camille was an odd combination but here they both were, waiting for Papyrus. Bratty, Catty, Sal and Icine had all made Gyftmas cards with bullet attack patterns and Stretch had helped Doyle find a menorah. The man had made a miraculous chess set for the ER from tongue depressors and had been going at it since the middle of july.

Overall, it was a big mishmash of holidays and everyone was participating. Baking was the easiest way to ensure everyone got gifts and Papyrus had offered to assist.

Speaking of, the skeleton marched in with a box.

“Hello Doctor Edge and Miss Human Camille!” 

“Now I don’t normally condone this, but I think this will be easy. We’ll start here.” Papyrus lifted a glass bottle out and a bag of blue raspberry candy. He gave Camille several pieces and a sieve. She dutifully unwrapped them (and resisted the temptation to eat them) and Papyrus poured what turned out to be vodka over them.

“Oooh…” The clear liquid turned blue from the candies. 

“This is only for Red.” Papyrus said sternly. “It’s not even good for him, but it is Gyftmas.” Papyrus turned back to his box and Edge.

By late in the afternoon, the two skeletons and one human were packing together a rather nice selection of treats. Chocolate sugar cookies, honey biscuits, peppermint thumbprints. 

“And this is for you.” Coffee and chocolate truffles. Papyrus had been banned from assistance and they were a little lopsided and not at all even but they turned out well.

Edge in return said nothing when Red chose to share his alchohol and chocolate with the underage kid. It was only an ounce mixed up with so much milk it probably drowned out anything. 

“Hey.”

Edge looked over at Stretch. “You have something on your face.”

It was honey and Stretch made sure to smudge it off on Edge’s cheekbone. 

“Happy Holidays.” 

Edge sighed and grabbed a alcohol pad from the cupboard, wiping his own face and Stretch’s clean.  
“It’s...nice isn’t it?” Blue had dressed up as Santa and the kids were clearly humouring him. Camille was showing off how mature she was with her watered down drink courtesy of Red who was definitely off duty and enjoying his break. Doyle and Sal were playing their third round of chess. 

“The timeline’s with us today.” Stretch said

Edge had heard a variant of that from his own brother and he didn’t pretend to understand. However he could see what Stretch had meant. Happy humans and monsters celebrating holidays together was definitely a good thing. 

“Are there anymore chocolate gingerbreads?” 

“Yep.”

“Ah. The timeline is with us today.” 

Stretch laughed.


	18. This is a Good Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I moved out that was the best day. I thought I'd give a good day to everyone.

“Papyrus made vegetable rice with teriyaki sauce tonight.” Stretch brought the bag in. “Okay that’s uh, rice and broccoli beef Edge...and only carrots and broccoli for Doyle and pork with the chow mein for Sal...and uh… that makes the wonton soup for Camille…”

“This is Camille’s father.”

Everything about Edge’s voice said ‘NO’. Capital N, Capital O.

“I see.” Stretch looked at the human man.

He did look a LOT like Camille. 

The kid was clammed up and looked terrified.

“Well I don’t think she’s your kid.”

“Yes she is. She’s my property.”

“Oh can I do this? I’d be delighted to.”

Red gripped the man by his upper arm and escorted him out the door.

The sound of the bone attack reverberated through the er. Only Red came back, brushing off his hands.

“And we’re done.. That human ain’t gonna do shit to you kiddo. And I’m your dad .”

“Well thank the Angel that finally happened.” Stretch sighed. “Though I kinda hoped she’d get her parents back.”

“She did.” Edge said simply


	19. Singing the Insert Genre Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A night off for the folks. Plus Karaoke is one of the most embarrassing yet fun things to do. 
> 
> And a set list
> 
> Edge - When Doves Cry by Prince  
Stretch - We All Live in A Yellow Submarine by the Beatles  
Catty, Bratty, Camille - S.M.F by Twisted Sister  
Red - Tais Toi Mon Coeur - Dionysis feat. Olivia Ruiz.

“First do no harm. You told me that once.” Edge looked at Red. “LV six.”

“Fuck off little brother. It hadda be done.”

“And you’re a parent now. You said it yourself. AND you said kid was my responsibility but she’s yours now.”

“She sure is.” Red said proudly and righteously unconcerned with his brother’s tone.

“You...have something up your sleeve.”

“Wrong on both. Nothing up my sleeve and not me. This was all your honey’s idea.”

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes.”

The kids were all clustered together expectantly. Stretch was also wearing a stupid grin and Doyle and Sal were sat a few feet away.

“We’re all going to karaoke.”

“No.” Edge said. “Just no.”

“And Doyle will be participating by picking all our songs.” 

“No. I refuse.”

“Oh come on, he only knows human songs.” Stretch reasoned. “We’re all going to be terrible.”

“And I don’t like being terrible at things.”

“Yer gonna be cool no matter what. Suck it up little brother. It’s a group outing. A FAMILY thing.” 

Grillby welcomed them, giving the kids gingerales and cokes and the adults some of his new IPA’s. Doyle was presented with a book of available songs. Apparently this whole event had been somewhat premeditated.

He jabbed his finger and passed the book to Stretch as he signed, half in hands and half in BSL and pointed at Edge.

Edge was filled with a sense of dread that only intensified as he looked at the title of the song Stretch passed him.

“I am not singing any song by a man who calls himself ...ugh...Prince, but it’s a symbol.”

“Oh you are. I challenge you.”

That was the right word to say as Edge shoved his way out of his seat and marched up to the makeshift stage. A hard drum beat marked the beginning of the song. 

The group was delighted. “He’s good!” Stretch said.

“I didn’t know my bro could sing.” Red actually sounded surprised.

“He kind of sounds like Prince.” Camille along with Doyle were the human music experts and he nodded affirmative to that.

Doyle signed he needed to try harder for the next victim.

Camille, Bratty and Catty had gotten in on the action. “Oh what about this one? It’s got a funny title. Who exactly are the people living in a yellow submarine?”

“I don’t know, but Doctor Stretch is funny. This one’s funny. Please make him do it”

Stretch took his turn with marked more decorum than Edge, for a change. He couldn’t sing worth a damn but his mangled version of The Beatles wasn’t bad. He marched proudly back to his seat to claps and giggles from the masses. Edge was charitable enough to give him a pat on the back.

“Oh nice. Thanks for humoring me.”

“We want to go next!” Bratty gave Doyle the book. “Pick one for us!”

“How about this?” Red had leaned over Doyle’s shoulder. “SMF.”

“What does that stand for?”

Red’s grin grew jagged.

“That’s not appropriate for kids!”

“What, look at the lyrics. They’re never actually going to be saying that!”

“But they’ll know what---”

“That’s the point!”

Camille and Bratty could carry a tune and much to Edge’s consternation, Sick Mother Fucker was absolutely adorable coming out of the mouths of small children, particularly when they were saying SMF to avoid the foul language.. Catty wasn’t ever going to be in music any time soon but she seemed not to mind and the three girls happily headbanged their way through some hard rock. 

“Okay big brother, it’s your turn.” Edge it seemed had been waiting for this. Red and Stretch had been the biggest champions of karaoke night so much like Stretch with the Yellow Submarine, the hunt was on for a truly embarrassing song for Red.

Doyle tapped Camille on the shoulder and pointed into the book. “Oh yes! Yes that!”

Red was never ashamed but he took the ‘stage’ with some amount of solemnity. “Tais Toi Mon Coeur” No, Red would not be producing hit albums but he was charming. At least until later that night when the alcohol caught up with him and he yakked all over his office. 

“Hm.” Edge hauled his older brother off the floor. “So glad your kid isn’t awake to see this. Maybe you’ll finally learn responsibility.” 

Red merely nodded and face planted down on his bed.


	20. Sledding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh this very much happened to me at boarding school. we got in a LOT of trouble for it.

“Oh my GOD Camille, like you look like a mattress. Isn’t that a little extreme for sledding?”

“I know. Even I’m embarrassed. I would like to move you know.”

“Which one of them is responsible for this?” Bratty giggled. 

“This would be Doctor Edge’s work.” 

The girls started to giggle. “Ooooh, I’d actually like wear it” 

More giggling ensued. “But...we don’t have a sled do we? Didn’t you say we were going sledding?”

“Yes. That’s why we have these!” Catty held up three trays, recognizable as the plastic trays from the cafeteria. 

“Ooo” the two other kids looked at eachother. “Oooooo. If he finds out! You’re so bad!”

Papyrus was of course, hardly a threat but there was natural excitement from doing something a little bad. Maybe a little dangerous. 

“I’m going first!” Bratty tucked her tail in around the tray and marched to the edge of the slope, shoving off. 

“That looks...faster than I thought.” Catty yelled over the sound of Bratty’s screams, but it didn’t stop her from following in her friend’s footsteps, adding her screeches to the symphony.

The last to go, Camille took her turn, but before she could so much as sit down, there was a sceech and cry of “Oh NO!” from the bottom.

In her multiple layers of outerware, the human of the group waddled down the hill, concern in her voice. “What happened!”

Catty was unharmed, but the tray was not so lucky. Cracked right in half. 

“It’s just one tray.” Bratty shrugged. “We’ll just throw it away somewhere. No one has to know!”

“I didn’t even get to go.”

“We need to find something else to sled on. Maybe my mum has somethi---”

“Oooh. oooh! I know!”

“Like you have an idea?” Catty asked. 

“Yes! But um….you have to be lookout.”

The others looked at her with big eyes. “Wow….”

There was a storage unit at the back of the hospital. All three girls knew better than to touch real supplies or medicine. Bedpans? Disgusting. 

“You gave me the idea. You said I looked like a mattress, right? We can use this!” It was a spare mattress that had never been used outside of propping itself against a wall.

It took some doing but it was finally dragged to the top of the hill and supported three children on a sled ride down the hill.

“It was almost a good plan.” Stretch was trying very hard not to laugh. “You think they’re going to remember that the hill faces the hospital window here?” He glanced over at Edge. “Let it go Doc. Let it go.”


	21. New Year

“Oh I love this. It’s like she’s drunk!”

Edge gave his brother a hard look. Stretch wasn’t much better but he seemed a little more amused.

“Don’t look at me like that I was the one who made it. And it’s working. Aw she’s loopy as FUCK This is great.”

Camille had gone into a spell at the worst possible time. Red had decided no way was that how they were starting the new year and had prepared something. He wasn’t wrong it was working. The girl was alive and drugged so hard she was not actually blinking at the same time. She also seemed to be angry at the blanket, judging how she threw it off.

“I’m hot…”

“Yes of course.”

The girl moaned and rolled over onto Red. 

“Okay that. That right there is funny.” 

“Fuck off brother.” Red grinned. “Eheh, it’s fucking midnight ya fuck, We ain’t losing a kid today. Happy fucking New Year.”


	22. The Things We Don't Talk About

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promise I'll never actually write about the deaths in detail but it's one thing I discussed with a friend whom I spent in the hospital. This is my way of dealing with the situation. Writing about having that kind of talk.

Edge was used to being the voice of reason but this...well this was beyond his sphere of understanding. His brother was a good doctor and a smart monster. He was a pathologist and understood death beyond some. 

He’d also become attached to the point of being a surrogate parent to a patient who had been on borrowed time since the moment they’d taken her in. He knew this mood. It was akin to the reaction Red had had when he’d wanted to be Captain of the Guard. 

“Sans.” 

That alone was enough to get Red’s attention. No one called him Sans here. And that was when Edge froze. How the hell was he going to go on?

“Well, spit it out baby bro. Ya got my undivided attention. I’m listening.”

“I’m wondering what you’re going to do about Camille. One of these days…”

“Oh we’ve discussed it. I’m going to put her soul in a jar on my desk and her heart in another. You know humans don’t turn to dust.” 

Edge stared, pointedly ignoring the sarcasm. 

“You know you can ask her if you like.”

Edge gave his head a shake and sighed. “You care about her too much. I am…”

“Aw you’re worried I’m going to get all weepy when she dies. You’re barking up the wrong tree there kid.”

“Don’t call me --”

Red cut him off. “Your boyfriend’s the soft touch. Go have a psychological chat with him.”

“Fine.” Edge spun on his heel. Arguing with his brother was a losing battle and Red was angry now and Edge was on his turf. Getting out of there was best.

Stretch was sitting in his office. “You know you’re the only one worried.”

“How can I not be? He’s getting to be how he was in Fell and that was about me.”

“Everyone dies you know. It’s a question of when. I’m not going to pretend I wouldn't do anything for Blue including kill if anything happened to him. Love be damned. And I was devastated when he…” Stretch stopped and appeared to be thinking out what to say next. “I’d be...upset if something happened. And Red would do the same for you...and y’know what? He knows. It’s not great or fair but he knows.”

Edge was trying to not think about the fact that he was indeed having a psychological chat with Stretch.

“Maybe it’s a good thing your brother clearly has a connection with someone other than you or a jar of dust.”

“He said he’s going to keep her soul in a jar and her heart in another one.”

“He told you he’s going to defy King Asgore.”

“I…”

“Edge. I get it. You care. It’s good you do. It’s one of the things I love about you. It’s one of the things that makes you a good doctor. And your brother cares about his patient too so just ….shhh.”

Edge raised a brow bone.

“Okay fine. I was doing good until the ‘shhh’. But look. Really look.”

Red was half passed out across Camille’s bed. 

“Wonderful. I love watching how neglectful my brother is.”

Stretch turned his face back towards the scene.

As Edge watched, Red was hauled up onto the bed and the short skeleton grabbed the medicine from the side table and shook her gently until she drank it. They passed out on top of eachother in an odd little heap soon after.

“It’s adorable right?”

Edge had to nod. It was.

Camille did die eventually, It just happened one day. She had made it to thirty one to everyone’s shock The actual event came as more of a shock. 

She asked Papyrus for extra breakfast that morning and gave Bratty and Catty a wedding anniversary gift.

Red was the one who discovered her, curled up on the end of the bed that had been home since she arrived at twelve.

“Heh. Ya did real good kid.” Red said of it. There were no tears and Edge watched as his brother said good bye.

If Edge was a little ‘extra’ with Stretch that night it was on him.


End file.
